One week to go until show time. The upcoming week I will be packing, organizing, printing itineraries, buy some food for the trip etc. I will work out until tuesday and then take my recuperation week of five lovely days. I have not missed one workout or a cardio session for eight straight weeks so it’s gonna be nice with some relaxing. on stage that is.

Today it was hard to do cardio. I was plain tired. But the mind is stronger than the body so I hung in there and did a great workout after all. Same for the weights this afternoon. Tired and unmotivated before warming up, then suddenly strong and really focused! I managed some pretty awesome lifts as well.

I weighed a little more today than I’d wish for. You see, I would go for a last final veggie and some more carbs-day if I weighed less than 118, but I didn’t so I was not to have any extras. Tomorrow will be my last show before I stop hoping for some drop in weight. I look good though so it’s not about that. It’s just the mental thing: wanting to weigh a certain weight. This season I am lot heavier but I look less bulky. More streamlined. I have worked on that part and hope the judges see and like my new version.

It’s very soon show time. About ten days to my first show this season. Yesterday I was anxious for my workout: what if I did not do as well as I wanted to… I warmed up with seated dumbbell presses. moving up to the 50’s but then they were nowhere to be found. The “always oiled up guy” was using them. Well, he intended to. He was doing two different exercises at the same time and the 50’s were positioned at the front of a bench like they were waiting for him only to be lifted or curled. They wanted to be with me! “Are you using these?” I asked him pointing to the bench 10 feet away. “Yes I am” he said and slurped from his shaker. “Now we share” I said, went and grabbed them and did a pretty darn good set just to show I did not go for too heavy dumbbells. After that I kicked them back in place. Pretty cool, I’ve never been able to score at soccer, but dumbbell kicking, well, that’s my kind of game!

Yesterday I went to bed feeling sick (like having eaten too much feeling bad/groggy). I woke up with the same feeling. Cardio was tough, I so wanted to go for a longer duration in da comfort zona, but no way am I gonna settle for that!!! I just refuse to slack! I can slack every other second of the hour but NOT when training. I am NOT there to “do time”.

felt ill the whole day, went to an audition in Sherman Oaks, went home and I couldn’t believe I was going to the gym for my leg workout… I didn’t want to. I was tired. I wanted to sleep. But I refused to. It does have a bad ring to it, just listen: “I didn’t feel like going”. Heck NO that is nothing I’m into: procrastinating! I stopped doing that years ago when I suddenly changed from being a lazy mf to a more disciplined and perseverent Pauline.

I crawled under the squat rack, looked in the mirror, noticed my dark rings under my eyes but they were ok with me since I looked a bit starved which is a good sign for me when leaning down. My face always stays full. Puffy apple cheeks. Now I have a more feminine face instead of a girly one. I like that. It looks good on me. Anyway, I was like “this is crazy, I’m gonna fall” but then I found my two wonderful strong legs to be all for it, they wanted to get worked on! They were not tired at ALL! I ended up having a marvellous workout! I did some pretty awesome lifts and I was happy!

Now I AM tired.

yesterday my husband set the alarm at 4.10 am. on a saturday…. ??? well, rise n shine! I started with an intense cardio workout and pushed through another personal best. I then started my carb day and what a joy it was to have double servings of oat!

My knee issue is solved! I found some kind of trigger point or whatever on one of the tendons laterally positioned on the posterior knee. I massaged it and suddenly I could do sissy squats with pause in the bottom without that weird feeling! GREAT!!! Talk about the self healing human being!:-)

I woke up many times during the night and every time I checked my form in the mirror and I had veins allover, allover my stomach, on my arms, my neck, on the upper back. wow, all that sodium, the carbs and water make me so vascular! When I checked my temperature I scored a perfect score of 36.9 C which is 0.1 more than my usual good day temperature, so my metabolism was HIGH. I also just gained nearly two pounds over night. I thought it would be more. Now I just got back from an incredible run on the beach. I couldn’t get in as much oxygen as needed since the breeze from the ocean tightened up my what do you call it: where the air passes to the lungs??? Anyway, I heard this funny noise you know you get when you’re trying to breathe as heavy as possible and you just cannot manage to open up more even though you have your mouth wide open? Well, I love that feeling of pushing it. It’s not the heart that says no, it’s the stupid pipes to the lungs that just won’t flush more in! Well, it was so intense, my eyes were watering, my nose was running like crazy and I looked so out of it! I love it!

I love when it’s friday! And it’s weird because since I’m self-employed I never go to work really, I come and I go as I please, but anyway friday is friday and boring monday is boring monday.

A couple of days ago I did something to my right quad so it cramped at night and stayed that way. I’ve been seeing my chiropractor and I got deep tissue massage, so it’s getting better, but it feels strange, I rarely have problems in THAT area. I remember I felt it coming, something was wrong when I hit the stairstepper that day, but I ignored it. Cardio gotta be done. Anyway, now I have the chew it up.

I’m tired today, slept bad. And woke up too early: 3.45 isntead of 4.10. I suddenly thought I forgot to set the alarm. lol. I’m fighting hunger too. The hungry and angry, angry and hunger kind of hunger. I get all worked up because my mind has not given up hopes about maybe I will munch on something carbohydrate rich and that “maybe” makes me grumpy. Well, well, I know the drill and what usually stops these stupid hunger pangs. I mean, this is ALL chosen by myself. NOBODY says I need to go through this. I actually like it in a weird, military discipline way. What I DO not like is I let my beloved one get a share of my anger and frustration and I don’t like that. It’s bad behavior!

Oh, so what do I do to make those cravings go away? I use the old bark porridge trick ofcourse! back in the 1900’s when people were starving in Sweden more or less (the poor ones who emmigrated to America to get fat, no just kidding) they made porridge out of pine bark. It filled them up. I do that too but wheat bran, stevia and cinnamon. Yummie. I actually love it. Ok, time to be worried again for my knee…

Monday shoulder day. This day is the most important day to me. I require a lot from my shoulders and I hate not being able to give it all due to certain circumstances. Today I was out of my training partner and that meant the 50’s were intimidating. You see, since I max out every week ( I don’t recommend this, but I like it and I have no injuries) I rely on a great supporter to be there for me on shoulder dumbbell presses, but today I had to manage on my own. I did get them up, but that was about it. I was so angry: how hard can it be to get them up??? I just don’t accept having less energy being a true reason not to do as good as usual. Once you start making excuses for yourself, you’re in big trouble…:-)

I manage to do two incredibly intense cardio sessions though. I chose the elliptical trainer without handles. That was a mistake. Since I don’t weigh that much I have a hard time getting my heart rate up: it’s a catch 22: less resistance means I need to spin faster which I’m not good at, but too much resistance keeps my heart rate to stay at a lower rate. So, what is there to do? Well, I up the resistance until I slack, then I take it down and keep on going when the lactic acid starts to knock on the door.

Today was legs. Squats. Front squats. Leg presses. Negative lunges. I started thinking about “no energy” in the bottom position for my squats and oh no, not a good thought! You know when you start to see some stars you gotta focus!!!

I did better this week than last week. My vacuum posing each morning really pays off: I feel stronger in my core than ever. I’ve been in a bad mood today though. Some days are just like that. I need to regroup and remind myself about the good things. Like being healthy. I feel strong. Just a bit tired. I want more vegetables and garlic sea salt. Just had a load of it. But I want more. Not that I’m hungry. I’m tired. But I would never say no to an additional pound or so…:-)

time to sleep.

I’ve received a lot of questions since I wrote I don’t want to be bigger. well, let me explain what I really meant: I do not want to be bigger, but not smaller either. I want to be where I’m now. for now. ok?

Yesterday I started a new morning routine due to work. This interfered with my cardio so I had to change my schedule. Well, let’s say this new way of keeping up my routine was a challenge, but I did great. I ended up having a very productive cardio workout in the morning AND an incredibly intense one at night as well. My chest workout was ok. A little upset about my strength level at the incline bb press, but in the other ones I manage to threat myself about shrinking and get smooth if I didn’t lift as much as the week before. So, after a lot of pushing I did it. Good, otherwise I would be so grumpy at night.

I felt fat in the evening. In my legs. I was pinching them and checking them and they were just two bloated stupid legs. Hams and glutes in shape but quads smooth and blocky. I was so angry with them. In the morning they looked a lot better and I also dropped almost 3 pounds over night. I’m not happy happy though since I know I will most likely be 5 lbs heavier tomorrow. Yeah, a little bitter there, yup.:-) Anyway, my legs were tired and doing cardio was hard. I was so inclined to let go and do a half-hearted effort, but then I came to my senses: it is a sign of weakness to settle with “doing the time”. If I push push push and just block all wishes to slow down, I will get my heart rate up where it should be: in the 85-90% mhr range. Otherwise it’s not a good cardio workout. I managed to do it this morning. I tell myself that I will go home as soon as I hit the 90% mhr, but ofcourse that is a lie. Whe it’s up there I keep it there by pausing for 5 secs and then sprint for 40 secs, repeat and repeat and repeat. It’s brutal. It’s a constant pain in the butt. But it makes me feel like a superwoman.

Today is a compromised workout day. I need to go back for my deadlifting in two hours since I have a wedding to attend later. I need to take tomorrow off, have veggies and relax so I can see what my condition looks like with a bit of rest.

Wow, today’s been a great day. My cardio workout was the most intense for this year, I promise! I was just SO in to it!!! I pushed and pushed and since I have such bad blisters that not even duct tape can cure, well I did cardio barefoot. Thank lord we have cardio MACHINES! I also woke up in great shape, looking good. But I gained a pound over night, so I’m now at 120. hm…. well, I said, I won’t get upset. I was at a tuxedo store for an upcoming wedding for some friends and there I saw myself in the mirror. I asked the skinny skinny guy if he thinks he looks better and worse in that particular mirror and he sawy “I look better than usual” and then I knew for certain: it’s one of those mirrors makeing you broader, thicker, more muscular. You see, men like that. They want to look broad….I don’t. lol, I just was soooo square in that mirror!

Dear Pauline Nordin’s body,

I’m writing this to say I got it. I understand now. You’ve been angry with me for a long time. And I have not listened to you. Now I understand, you want your fun! I now realize you know that it’s show time soon. You see, I would prefer to get some feedback from you. Good feedback. Like, when I’m soooo doing whatever I can manage to make you ease up on things, but you still want to have it your way and your way only.

I will accept from now on that you like looking puffy and bloated. It’s ok. You go do what you find is best. For now. If you’re not in the mood for looking a tiny bit better for each day, well, I’m ok with that too! I will not let myself get frustrated over you anymore when you don’t follow my rules. In one way, I cannot hold it against you, because so far you’ve never let me down for the big events. Yes, you do like to keep me on my toes until the very last day for a show or a photo shoot and you do test my nerves hard. I guess you get a kick out of that? Well, now, I’m gonna be as cool as you are. I will not sweat the small things and just have faith. Faith that good work and dedication does win in the long run. We just see at it differently. I like feeling “yes, I’m on my way now, it’s definately getting there” but you, on the other hand, don’t get worked up just to let me feel good about myself! No, you’re not a show-off kind of a body, you don’t need to prove anything until it’s time to do so. You just relax, hang in there. Sometimes though you DO come out of your shell and suddenly look stunning, vascular, lean, rock steady, but you just flaunt it for a minute or so, then poof, gone.

Yes, you’re good to me in other ways, I know. You stay strong, you take the punches, the wear and tear and you don’t complain that much. And when You think I’ve been using you a little too much, you sure are fast to tell me so I can hold my horses. I try to listen to you. Well, not always, but most times. You must agree with me on that one!

You’re also pretty tough. You’re with me, if I say jump, you jump! Sometimes you hesitate “oh, well, are you SURE we can take that barbell??” but I just assure you “trust me honey, we’re aaaall good, just lift the m-f ok?”. And you do it and I almost cry from happiness that you actually support my goals! Hey, I gotta thank you in that department.

I guess, in a relationship, one needs to take the good things with the bad things. In our cooperation, you let me have you lean all the time, but you don’t really like to take it to the limit in the ripped to the bones department…:-) On the other hand, you have no real cravings for things you’re not allowed or that’s not covered in my daily budget. You’re kind of nice and not needy there. Thanks for that.

So, what I’m gonna do NOW is just to trust you that you know what you’re doing. I will trust you blindly and not panic. OK? Truce?

Truce. (Pauline’s body talking.)

Hand shake.